Pushing words into the air

Just as I was about to go in, I turned around, walked back to her, and kissed her on the lips. They felt fuller than I remembered.

“How do you like the mustache?” I asked her.

“I like it,” she said.

“I don’t. I haven’t dared kiss you all night because of it.”

I went back to the door.

“Grow your hair out,” she said. At least that’s what I think she said, I didn’t quite hear her.

We stood there, just looking at each other. People often mistake silence between lovers for something more than mere words can be. But sometimes there’s just nothing left to say. I should’ve spoken up.

“Good night,” I said.

She got into her mother’s car. I watched her drive away and then went in. She was leaving the country again in the morning. I opened our apartment door quietly so as not to wake anyone up.

I put down my bag and started making my way towards the living room, probing the floor with my foot before each step. Our dog sighed heavily; she was sleeping under the coffee table, so I wouldn’t accidentally step on her on my way to the balcony.

I lit a cigarette. The air was cold and damp and, even though it hadn’t been raining, my socks were wet.

We had said goodbye to each other two and a half months ago. There had been text messages and email, but that had seemed like it was just for the sake of having someone to miss.

And then there was tonight: two hours in a seedy but thankfully karaoke-free bar, and then an hour in a parked car, outside my apartment building.

My head began to swim. I had smoked furiously all evening, but it’d been a good hour since my last cigarette. This, certainly, was not one too many. I pressed the small of my back against the concrete railing and poked my toe out of the hole in my right shoe.

I kept smoking. I flicked the ashes after every drag. Then, down to the filter, I took one last hit, and stubbed it out. I went in, tiptoed through the apartment, undressed, and went to bed, feeling sick to my stomach. The last thing that I thought about before falling asleep was that there is a cloud of smoke for every word left unsaid.

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